Over thinking

Im freaking out. I know im over thinking. But what am I going to do if I lose my son. Im dead set on the divorce and where I want to be. I just cant lose my son. Thats what scares me the most. His bio mom hasnt seen him for over a year and he is 2! Im mom to him and to me its like he completely mine. Im the one thats been raising him since he was 2 months. Flat out if it wasnt for the lawyers not actually serving her but just mailing her the document. I should been his only mom 6 months ago. And before that but the lawyers wanted me to be married a year first. Im just cant lose him.

Back to normal

Well it took almost a month of the fresh start for my husband to go back to the way he was. Normal. In one day got threatened with divorce. .. so hard now not to take it. Got hurt by him physically. And trying to burn me. Yep my normal husband. Missing Q like no other. Asked him about what he would do if I finally was divorced. He told me he would hold me and never let me go.  Or around those lines. Made my heart melt. It really is true about what happens when you give up. Now to let me get a divorce and move on... so hard some times. Im scared but yet im not.

All the boys drunk

So yesterday my husband got off early. So he asked his brother to go drinking with him. Of course his brother said yes. His brother and sister in law made this delicious Chinese dinner from scratch.   my sister in law and myself have it for if one person drops them off the other picks them up. So my sister in law drops thwm off. And I was expecting people to come over around 8. So I was talking to q and right before 8 I got a knock on my door.  I opened it to find a cop... seeing as im the only one home and this is my house. I had to deal with the cop. He told me he had a complaint about dog barking. Which the 3 dogs in the house has been quite the last few days. Anyways I was giving the cop my info when my sister in law came back. She got so pissed off she kept venting.  eventually it became 9 o'clock. So I had to leave and go pick up the boys. It was early but I had to get gas. so I went and got gas. by the time I got done fueling. It was 9:30.  I got to the bar and told them I was outside.  they told me 5 more minutes. So I waited. Right at 5 minutes I saw my husband first. he was smoking a cigarette. when he got done he came in the car. and right behind him with his brother. I could smell the  alcohol on them. it was strong.  right before I started driving away they started to dis my music.  I got it to where they kept with my music. And just because I want this one done and havent been in the mood to finish it im stoping here... lets say just weird and then I got depressed. 

Decisions

So late September I made a promise that I would go to Oklahoma by the end of October early November.  I made it when I was really happy and in lala land. But doing so I would have to devorce my husband by then. Which means no more Draco and Halloween would be my last holiday with him. I cant do that. I have yet to brake a promise with this person. So I finally had to get the courage to ask about changing the date. I could hear the hurt. And got told wasnt going to wait much longer. Which is all running through my mind. But I got told its up to me. So im freaking out. I hate doing this. I feel awful.  I dont want to lose this person. Guess ill see what god has planned while I decide. 

Grinding my nerves

So I because how I already am pissed at my brother in law. It didnt help when right before bed he came upstairs and make himself food. Usually I wouldn't care about the food. But its what food he used. He used the food that in the long run could get me in trouble.  Like the chips that is strictly for my husbands lunch for work. And the food my husband has when he is home and hungry. Stuff im not allowed to even get into. Then after all of that he still makes food on the stove. Its not like they care that im the only one doing dishes or anything. But its the fact he made a meal for 2 with my husbands stuff and still make more. He has his own food. He hasnt got a paycheck in a couple weeks and he wont get on for little over a week. So the food that is there because of dinner or my husbands lunch is now being used for other crap. Even im out of the foods I can touch for lunch until payday. That doesnt really bother me just for the fact my son has food still. I dont know. Maybe I just needed to vent more while everyone is still asleep.

Needing to vent

So. My husband was wanting his nightly bj. Yes nightly. Not because of him being turned on. Just so he can fall asleep. So he was getting a bj, because im not allowed to turn it down, and I got this horrible pain. It was like I had a heavy weight on me. I couldn't tell if it was my lungs or heart. But I had to finish. So after I got done. I wasnt allowed to sit for a few min to rest. I ended up finishing the nightly routine. I facebooked Q (as I said alot of secrets) and during that time I was in so much pain I couldnt stop shaking. I took some pain meds and went to bed. After my husband when to work I heard my in-laws fighting. I decided I should at least try to go back to sleep. after I woke back up my sister in law and myself got talking about all happened. I got to hear about her telling her guy no on sex and the holding of her wrist the elbow in her neck and the arm pushing into her neck ect. Hating how the brothers are the same. He was the good brother. So yah..