Once you can feel the baby move you can start playing with the little one. Yes it's an odd feeling but it's fun to know you can play with the little one before he/she is out.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
After high school graduation
I wanted to write kinda a sum up of my life since graduation.
Okay. So after I graduated. I ended up trying to just disappear and go with Mj and actually have Draco be mine right then and there. Well I ended up getting caught because my dad skipped work so dad and Kirsten ended up staying at my house not invited by me. So after a big fight and everything else. I ended up staying in SLC until the end of august. I started going to the University of Wyoming. During that time I would walk a mile or two after my classes to see Mj at his sisters house and sometimes I would walk all the way from her house in the morning to school. I was having troubles with my sleep. I went to the doctors at the school for pain and found out I'm required to go to a chiropractor. I started having really bad grades. I got depressed. I really wanted just to die. It didn't help that Mj was not just mine he was Kala's. The one who gave birth to Draco. I ended up breaking it off with Mj. I got much more depessed. Kala ended up helping get us back together. I don't remember exactly what ended it but Kala and Mj wasn't anything anymore. I ended up for a month ditching out of school and moved in with Mj and his parents and Draco. During that month Kala ended up getting pregnant with Draco's half brother. Middle of that month I told my grandmother who paid for my college that I want to stop and move to Douglas. Moved out of the dorm that day. A day before Halloween I got engaged. That January or February his parents ended up getting us into our own place. I was back in college but a community college. I also was an full time mom. I got married a day after my 19th birthday in a graveyard . That next month I got a job on top of all that. I quit that june. The owner of the trailer court ended up dying. Everyone who didn't own there place had to either buy their home and move it or just get out. We had 30 days.We started looking for actual houses. Didn't know it but I ended up somehow getting pregnant end of june. (I say somehow because Mj wouldn't do anything with me without a condom) moved everything into a storage unit and moved back into his parents place. His parents place just relocated to Orin, Wy. So it didn't have indoor plumbing yet. So we had a portapotty. Luckly that month we ended up closing on the house. Before that we went to the fair and ended up killing the baby. Mj was nicer still then and carried me back to the truck. Okay back to getting house. So at the time we just jumped at the first thing we found. Had a wonderful Oct. November I wrecked a four wheeler and people thought I should have gone to er for my ankle. I could have cared less. That Dec. His brother Mark his wife Mary and their 2 friends with the 3 kids moved in with us. Mj started to change. That January Draco got really sick. He was in the hospital for a week. I was there with him. Got back no one did any cleaning nothing when I was gone. Mj kicked out the friends and the 3 kids. They moved the first week of February. Birthday and anniversary went well even though our house was full with people who wanted to celebrate with us uninvited. 2 weeks later is when I met the guy I'm with now. He is Mary half brother. I had to help him with directions to a destination seeing as my husband wanted as little people knowing were we lived as possible. I went with them cuz we were celebrating Mary birthday. I was attractive to him but I was sill in love with Mj (or so I thought). He bought something for Draco and offered to buy me a book but I declined cuz of how Mj was. I would message him on Facebook and oddly got jealous when he got a girlfriend. It drove me nuts trying to figure out why I was jealous when I was married. Well that may I started to see the true Mj and what he was doing and I wanted out. His girlfriend broke up with Quin (don't think I said his name before). We started talking and became close. Well I was out with Mary and Quin was in town. Quin and I pretended (like I had to pretend) flirt to freak out his sister. She knew how bad Mj was. Well we got closer after that. We started flirting over phone. But I had to hide it. I tried stopping it once. I ended up getting pregnant that month. 2 weeks later I dropped off Draco at his grandmother house so I could see about the pregnancy and I also had a lump on my chest so I was going to get that checked. Well Quin mom at the time worked and lived in Orin. So I had to stop for the bathroom. Before I left back to Douglas to get checked. I told Mary what I was doing and ran into Quin. We started talking again. I was to scared to get checked so I said screw it. Well I picked up Draco and everything and went to the park. Quin ended up meeting me there and we got talking and flirting cuz we actually wanted to. He was trying more to get me to smile and not so caged up. We kept our boundaries but that didn't stop feelings. As I said I wanted to be done with Mj. Draco what kept me there. I ended up losing the baby and I'll I did was ask my husband for a hug and got told no. I couldn't eat for 3 days and no one knew. End of July of 2013 I'll I wanted was to be with Quin. Mj got to the point of I had to text him every 5 to 10 min. More things happened there then I would like to admit. I tried leaving by the end of October. I couldn't. I know somewhere these could be my last holidays with Draco. I wanted to wait until 2014. Time blinked in a flash. I had to text Mj every 2 min. Mark left Mary. Mary still lived with us until Feb. I will always love Mj some how. But I say no on going back to him. I went back and forth on suicide, just staying with Mj, and going with Quin. I tried leaving Mj 3 times. Tried saying bye to Quin once. I ended up cutting during that time. I carved "I can't" into my leg. I also cut clothes to relax. I cut my hair cuz I couldn't express myself. I could but my husband wouldn't allow it. In the end I did leave Mj. During that time he tried to have me stab him. I wanted to. Draco was near me and I couldn't. Quin brother ended up in an accident. I even tried ended it with both. Quin told me he still loved me and wanted me even after all the hurt I gave him. His brother didn't make it. I went with Quin and Mary to the funeral. End of that week I went with Quin to Oklahoma and had Mary move back into my house. End of February I went to SLC for a wedding. Was back in Douglas for a week. Paid bills. Saw how the house was. Went back to Oklahoma before my birthday. Was there until last April. Moved back to Douglas. Saw the house kicked Mary out. Cleaned it. Repaired it. Got told im no longer Dracos mother. Turned down Quin on marriage. Ended up getting pregnant at the end of June. Got a new house in September. Trying to sell the old one. Oct. found out im having a boy that's due in March.
Alone 8/20/2014
When I'm alone. My mind wonders. I no longer see reality. I'll I can see is my worse fears coming to life. I feel the pain of it all. It's harder to come back then it should. I keep having to tell myself. That it's not real. To stop thinking that. To keep me away. I distract myself. TV shows, games, internet. But when it goes away and I'm not asleep. My mind just wonders. I can control it most of the time when I'm driving. Just not when I'm alone somewhere.
My plans if worse comes to worse
I know this is myself overreacting but I think I figured out at least the basics if anything would happen to my guy.
1. I would find a way to get my car from another town. (Kinda need transportation seeing as if anything happens to quin the truck would probably be taken back)
2. I would need to get a job. Hey I don't want to move again and need income.
3. As much as I would hate it I would have to find a sitter for after the baby born. So I can continue to work.
4. Try to keep living. Knowing I have a little one to watch out for might help a bit.
5. Be the best mom I can for what I have.
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