Over thinking

Im freaking out. I know im over thinking. But what am I going to do if I lose my son. Im dead set on the divorce and where I want to be. I just cant lose my son. Thats what scares me the most. His bio mom hasnt seen him for over a year and he is 2! Im mom to him and to me its like he completely mine. Im the one thats been raising him since he was 2 months. Flat out if it wasnt for the lawyers not actually serving her but just mailing her the document. I should been his only mom 6 months ago. And before that but the lawyers wanted me to be married a year first. Im just cant lose him.

Back to normal

Well it took almost a month of the fresh start for my husband to go back to the way he was. Normal. In one day got threatened with divorce. .. so hard now not to take it. Got hurt by him physically. And trying to burn me. Yep my normal husband. Missing Q like no other. Asked him about what he would do if I finally was divorced. He told me he would hold me and never let me go.  Or around those lines. Made my heart melt. It really is true about what happens when you give up. Now to let me get a divorce and move on... so hard some times. Im scared but yet im not.

All the boys drunk

So yesterday my husband got off early. So he asked his brother to go drinking with him. Of course his brother said yes. His brother and sister in law made this delicious Chinese dinner from scratch.   my sister in law and myself have it for if one person drops them off the other picks them up. So my sister in law drops thwm off. And I was expecting people to come over around 8. So I was talking to q and right before 8 I got a knock on my door.  I opened it to find a cop... seeing as im the only one home and this is my house. I had to deal with the cop. He told me he had a complaint about dog barking. Which the 3 dogs in the house has been quite the last few days. Anyways I was giving the cop my info when my sister in law came back. She got so pissed off she kept venting.  eventually it became 9 o'clock. So I had to leave and go pick up the boys. It was early but I had to get gas. so I went and got gas. by the time I got done fueling. It was 9:30.  I got to the bar and told them I was outside.  they told me 5 more minutes. So I waited. Right at 5 minutes I saw my husband first. he was smoking a cigarette. when he got done he came in the car. and right behind him with his brother. I could smell the  alcohol on them. it was strong.  right before I started driving away they started to dis my music.  I got it to where they kept with my music. And just because I want this one done and havent been in the mood to finish it im stoping here... lets say just weird and then I got depressed. 

Decisions

So late September I made a promise that I would go to Oklahoma by the end of October early November.  I made it when I was really happy and in lala land. But doing so I would have to devorce my husband by then. Which means no more Draco and Halloween would be my last holiday with him. I cant do that. I have yet to brake a promise with this person. So I finally had to get the courage to ask about changing the date. I could hear the hurt. And got told wasnt going to wait much longer. Which is all running through my mind. But I got told its up to me. So im freaking out. I hate doing this. I feel awful.  I dont want to lose this person. Guess ill see what god has planned while I decide. 

Grinding my nerves

So I because how I already am pissed at my brother in law. It didnt help when right before bed he came upstairs and make himself food. Usually I wouldn't care about the food. But its what food he used. He used the food that in the long run could get me in trouble.  Like the chips that is strictly for my husbands lunch for work. And the food my husband has when he is home and hungry. Stuff im not allowed to even get into. Then after all of that he still makes food on the stove. Its not like they care that im the only one doing dishes or anything. But its the fact he made a meal for 2 with my husbands stuff and still make more. He has his own food. He hasnt got a paycheck in a couple weeks and he wont get on for little over a week. So the food that is there because of dinner or my husbands lunch is now being used for other crap. Even im out of the foods I can touch for lunch until payday. That doesnt really bother me just for the fact my son has food still. I dont know. Maybe I just needed to vent more while everyone is still asleep.

Needing to vent

So. My husband was wanting his nightly bj. Yes nightly. Not because of him being turned on. Just so he can fall asleep. So he was getting a bj, because im not allowed to turn it down, and I got this horrible pain. It was like I had a heavy weight on me. I couldn't tell if it was my lungs or heart. But I had to finish. So after I got done. I wasnt allowed to sit for a few min to rest. I ended up finishing the nightly routine. I facebooked Q (as I said alot of secrets) and during that time I was in so much pain I couldnt stop shaking. I took some pain meds and went to bed. After my husband when to work I heard my in-laws fighting. I decided I should at least try to go back to sleep. after I woke back up my sister in law and myself got talking about all happened. I got to hear about her telling her guy no on sex and the holding of her wrist the elbow in her neck and the arm pushing into her neck ect. Hating how the brothers are the same. He was the good brother. So yah..

husband drama

So my husband and I have been discussing about what to do with our relationship. We agreed to try a fresh start. About two hours after we agreed on that he called me from work accusing me of loving my 2 year old step son more then just a mom. And to think thats normal compared to some things he thinks of. So I get him to change the subject and managed to get off the phone with him. After he came home it was like he really did change. He showed affection, he was playjng with our son more, helped with dinner. I started wondering how long it was going to last. Yes he had me change into something more sexy... I wouldn't used sexy I would more go with an outfit I probably wont be able to wear in public and I would end up keep changing clothes until I was in something that pleased him. He didn't have me do his nightly sexual thing I'm forced to do. It seemed almost too normal compared to what usually happens. The next day started normal. I woke up before him to get his lunch ready and prep his stuff. (Back when I first started living with him I started just making his lunch for him.. it was my little way of showing I cared for him. Wasn't long after that I was forced to do it and he would gilt trip me otherwise.) I got him up and started the car. After I did that I started working on his paperwork. But it was just a normal regular morning. He didn't get pissed off at anything. Nothing. It ended up being really windy so I was expecting him home early. Our son was getting over being sick so he slept longer than normal. I usually have time for just myself while waiting for him to wake up. I used some of it to hang out with my sister in law. She lives with me so it all works out. Our son was still asleep by the time my husband got off work. Everything still was going normal. He said something about being hungry so I offered to make him lunch. Before lunch was finished our son finally woke up. Well my husband and his brother ended up going to the store. I ended up giving d our son my husband's lunch. My sister in law and myself started watching some girly show. And when the guys came back they apologizes with the candy blood. The guys ended up playing a video game. Not long after that things started to get... I want to say weird. I went outside with my sister in law because she got a phone call and so she decided to have a smoke during the call. During that time I watched my husband take trash out. Usually you wouldn't freak out if your husband started cleaning house... well I do usually means I'm going to get in trouble for not doing it myself. So I go back inside and start helping around the house. I left my phone in the room on the charger. I ended up doing dishes. It wasn't tell I was done that I saw him on my phone. Which yah its not thaf big of a deal. But he got all butt hurt over a ohoto I took. And another photo I sent to a few friends of mine because I figured they would like it. He started reading my conversations that I have had with my sister in law. Which it has what she feels about him on it and about what my husband and I fight about. It has my feeling about stuff my husband has said or done. So he ended up getting all upset about it. And of course I got in trouble for telling her what my husband and I talk about. If it wasn't for me talking yo her I wouldn't be as sane as I am now about half the crap that happens. Then my husband flat out admits that he prefers his girls to be more his slave then anything. I hate that I still let him get to me. Yes I care about him and part of me will always love him. But im basically no longer allowed to talk ti my sister in law even though she living with us and sees everything that goes on. I don't think it helps about him using our kid as a way to get to me. But even with all this the guy who wants to be with me is still holding on. I haven't gave up hope yet.

being me

Being me. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that this would happen to me. Judge me if you will. But this is not easy. Nor did I see it coming. First few things to know. 1. I am married. I'll let you judge for your self's on if you agree with how he is. 2. There is a toddler involved. I been his mom since he was 2 months old. Been working on adopting him. 3. I have a lot of medical problems. 4. My past isn't pretty. 5. I have a lot of secrets. I am open to any questions about my life and the decisions I have made.