Have you ever

Have you ever just wanted to die but couldn't cuz of a living person inside of you. That's how I feel. I want to just die. It doesn't matter what I do. I make mistakes. I hurt people. I make other people upset at others. I just hate it. I feel like I don't belong in this world. That death would be easier. This little boy is probably the best thing that keeps me living. If I knew he was gone I don't know what would keep me here right now. I even think it be better for my guy if I was gone.

Body image

Do I feel pretty? No. This pregnancy makes me just feel huge... I had issues with my weight before I got pregnant but I could still feel pretty. I don't feel that away any more. Yah everyone comments on how I look with the belly and I'll I can think is yah that's cuz you don't want me to feel bad. Do I love being pregnant? Yes. But I hate feeling so big. It's the only time in life people praise you for gaining weight. Unless your underweight. I see 180 on the scale and go ahhh. and I'm not even done with my pregnancy. I could care less what a scale says for the most part it's just how I look. Big brests. Yes I can live with bigger. Bigger belly. As much as I don't like how I'm so big I am I also know it's baby. Big thys. They drive me nuts. Fatter facial. I kinda want to kill my face. Acne everywhere.. they can just go. In the end I hope it's worth it. But for now I can't wait until I can work myself back to a decent weight and shape and love my body again. BTW being able to wipe normally or shave or bend over is a few things I miss.

Just one of those days

I'm sure it's just pregnancy hormones but.. Omw!!! I'm having basically an emotional break down. If it wasn't for that f'in house I would go take a trip to north dakota and see my guy. Right now I don't feel like I can do anything right or feel even loved. I'm starting to wonder what's the point even though it's basically all in my head. I know he cares but when he is gone I don't think he even relizes that when he gets his checks. I don't pull out money for food for myself. I pull out bills and leave the rest for him. What he does with the rest is up to him. I just wish he could see that. Hell last time I went just food shopping was November... I have bits of random stuff but nothing for meals. Dad knows it. Why doesn't he? He worries so much about making sure I eat enough I don't think he relizes I eat what I have and that's basically it. Unless dad pays for something. He got worried about how I spent that much on bills and doesn't trust me on it. Hell what I'm going to spend 700 on? I'm not spending it on food. Or shopping. I don't know it got to me that he got freaked out about it. Yes I said I paid a bill I didn't but hey. I don't know where the money went I paid bills and dealt with the house. My mind could care less during braxton hicks contractions. It freaks me out more I get the baby or the contractions. I don't feel both. So most of the day I haven't felt the baby and it's freaking me out. Sorry this is coming off as a rant. Oh well good stress reducer.

Your dad knows just what to say

Your dad at the moment is working out of state. So we're texting and I relize tomorrow I'm officially 8 months pregnant. So I tell him that it's scary. (First kid I'm giving birth to. To me it's completely scary.) He tells me its not. So I tell your dad.. Is for me baby. I want the kid out but at the same time I'm going I'm not ready... I'm just scared... . Your dad knowing myself and knowing just what's to say says this. Calm your sexy ass down baby you can never be ready you can say we are but when having a kid your never ready. He is definitely my anchor at times.

Last year

I started thinking about where I was last year and everything that has happened so far this year. Thinking in the long run I so rather have this year over last. I know this year is still young. Even though my emotions are more senitive this year. It's nothing compaired to everything that happened last year.

Little one.

Yesterday you entered 30 weeks. Your about 3 lbs. And found out your breached. Please go head first little one. They also told me your measuring a bit bigger then when your due date is. I'm kinda scared lol. Your grandpa came with me to the ultrasound. He was so amazed at how everything showed up and seeing you. I started tearing up seeing you in 3d. I can't wait until I get to see you with my own eyes.

Nights

Feeling so alone tonight. All I want is to be in your arms. I'm having a hard time just falling asleep. I love you so much and hate when your away.