The car venting.

THE CAR THE CAR THE CAR!!!! oh I hate that car. I wish I never agreed to own the car. Yes I have no idea what transportation we would have right now. But uggg... Think I figured it out and nope. All the car does is cause tension between my husband and myself. What I owe is way more then what it's worth. What it would cost to fix the car is still more then it worth let alone what I owe. I get the money to pay for the car doing something I hate doing and he still talks that it's coming out of his pocket. Well if it wasn't for me asking. We wouldn't have food right now. Let alone if we use the money for this month it means no christmas... guess I better get real good at making stuff homemade from items I already own. Yes I know I'm just venting. But I needed it. Gir the car. Why can't we own a vehicle that we don't owe money on? Like just one that we buy. Don't owe no delership. Just pay insurance. Why is this the one thing my grandmother was proud of me doing. It's the one thing that I really want to have it never be in my life again. I wish I could just say get rid of it. And we end up with something new. No payments that take the entire check.. evil car.

What I sent to my mom

Always remember that humans are like butterflies we can't see our own wings. Only a special few can see parts of it and only God can see all of it.

Meet snickers

We got a new dog on Oct 3. Her name is Snickers. She is a 1 year old chocolate lab.

My grandmother Martha

When my grandmother was younger she spent time on her grandfather's farm. Her and her sister Edith went to do an errand on the farm. When this mean bull came after them. Her and her sister climbed a tree and the bull kept running into the tree trying to get one of them to fall. Well her grandfather got worried and saw what was happening. He stopped the bull and helped them down. He then sold the bull at an auction and got a nicer bull. Another time my grandmother went out of the house to do errands and a roster hopped on her head and kept attacking her. Well her grandfather stopped it but didn't sell it. It wasnt until the roster did it to him that they cooked the roster and had it for dinner. My grandmother still remembers and loves the taste of roster.

My grandmother Martha

When my grandmother was younger she spent time on her grandfather's farm. Her and her sister Edith went to do an errand on the farm. When this mean bull came after them. Her and her sister climbed a tree and the bull kept running into the tree trying to get one of them to fall. Well her grandfather got worried and saw what was happening. He stopped the bull and helped them down. He then sold the bull at an auction and got a nicer bull. Another time my grandmother went out of the house to do errands and a roster hopped on her head and kept attacking her. Well her grandfather stopped it but didn't sell it. It wasnt until the roster did it to him that they cooked the roster and had it for dinner. My grandmother still remembers and loves the taste of roster.

He almost 7m

He almost 7 months old and as I watch him sleep I'm still amazed I made him. Watching him crawl and walk in his walker. Getting into everything he can already. I know I've done something right in my life to have this little boy be mine.

Slacking

I know I been slacking on updates and I'm sorry. So here's a list of updates

1. Married to my best friend and love of my life.
2. Decided I'm having thanksgiving at my house.
3. Keep hiding from exes family.
4. Mark and Mary got a dog
5. Mary is having a boy in 2 months.
6. Had a nice power outage candlelight dinner with hubby.
7. Kai turned 6 months.
8. Kai is crawling
9. Found out kai can actually sit on his own.
10. Own all of avatar the last airbender and initial d.
11. Don't think I could be in anymore in love with my hubby.
12. Quin went to er for the first time cuz of a swollen cat bite. He was like a kid in a candy store.
13. I'm regained some of my pregnancy weight and I hate it.
14. Kai has eczema
15. Kai already in size 4 shoes
16. Quin got sick but his temp went almost to hyperthermia area.

I think that's it. Lol.

You

Before I knew you I had this idea of love is. I knew I wanted it for myself. I saw it all around me. I wanted it so desperately I tried forcing it. When forcing it didn't work I figured I was stuck and it wasn't ment to be. Then from the moment I heard about you I wanted to meet you. Then I got to hear your voice. It made my heart smile more then I could have known. Talking to you I couldn't stop smiling no matter how much it frustrated me. But it only drew my desire to meet you so much more. I did everything in my power not to be excited when I knew I was going to meet you. At first I could only sneak glances at you. But I basically ended up gaucking at you. I didn't care about anything else at that moment. Only that you were so much more then I could of hoped for. I honestly don't remember what all I said in my head or out loud. All I know is I basically had no filter. When I finally got to meet you in person. Every little thing you did enticed me. I remember wanting to impress you. I didn't know it at the time but you already unlocked my heart then. To me that day ended way to soon. To think just four months later. You showed me what kind of love I deserved. My mind and heart knew that you are what I wanted. I wanted you to know that I'm yours. That I fell so hard and fast for you. You became my angel the day we met. You are every love story, every love song, every love I've ever seen, and every love I ever dreamed about. I could go on about everything I felt and everything I feel now. But as for this moment you shown me what true love is and keep doing so.

At 16 weeks old

Wow your already 16 weeks. Right now I know you can't wait to try foods. You love sleeping where it's nice and cool or in mom arms. You gotten to the point that if I try to put you down while your sleeping you'll wake right up. You basically sleep though the night. Unless your growing. Your still teathing like crazy. You love seeing other kids. You found your feet and toes. You play with them constantly. Your eyes are still blue and wondering if they are going to stay that away. Your getting better at being around other people. Your spit up calmed down a bit. It still has its ups and downs. You went from loving tummy time to absolutely hating it lol. You'll tolerate for a little bit then you get frustrated and want to be held and usually feed and take a nap after. Your still my stubborn little boy. You love water. I think bath time is your favorite. You love looking at yourself in the mirror. You'll just smile and giggle at yourself. Your babbling more. It's adorable to hear your voice. But you also get quite a bit of nightmares. You love standing more then anything. You did keep your own balance once for a little bit. You'll get there. You roll to your side and then back on to your back. Your getting better about gripping. You are growing up so quickly. Mommy loves you!

Whole lot longer

I feel like I was gone a whole lot longer then 2 days. He grew to the point I'm putting more clothes into the outgrown box. He went up another size in diapers. He went from eatting 4oz to almost 8oz. Which is sadly more then I produce. That's not including everything he doing more physically.. I'm very mixed emotions about it.

3 more days

3 more days before the wedding and I'm sitting here going everything is falling into place except 1 detail. I don't have someone to marry us. The person we did have lined out ended up not being able to make it. I'm halfway freaking out a bit lol. I need to finish the thing for Medicade or kai and I won't have it after today. But today we will also hear when quin should be starting his new job. So I'm kinda mixed feelings. A whole lot we need to and not a whole lot of time to do it in. Need to do another dress fitting and hair and makeup stuff. Also go buy a little outfit for Kai and go dress shopping with lizzie. Kinda can't wait for after the wedding 2 days of freedom with trying to deal with the separation from kai for a few days. Then everything hopefully goes back to normal. Well normal as it can and less stressed lol.

When things go wrong

Why is it when one thing goes wrong everything goes wrong. Okay so about 2 months ago my car hit a deer. It got fixed with a 500 repair deductible. Then insurance decided that the car can no longer be covered while it's in wyoming. So trying to get it so it can be has been a pain in my rear. Because the title for the car is held with the bank in Utah. Then to find out the main problem with my car is the struts. Which is 1000 dollars alone. That I don't have. Then insurance decided that it's another 500 dollar pelienty just because the car was in an accident. Car with full coverage it cost less to not have insurance. Oh wait it's the law to have insurance on your vehicle. Which is missed up enough cuz they took it from the money that was going to get my dad out of the house. To find out that the person who been complaining about money had 1000  dollars hidden away. Oh yah that pissed me off. As long as I don't have to pay the darn car payment for this month again I'm happy. And might having to be stuck driving without insurance. I can deal with for a little bit. As long as no one gets pulled over.

How my guy knew

I wasn't even late yet and we were in the process of packing. My back was giving me problems and about a week later. Still not late to mind you my guy started bugging me to find out because I started to roast him out of bed. I kept putting it off because I didn't miss my period yet. I went into a clinic to get a urine test the day after I was supposed to start. And he turned out right. Now my little boy is almost 4 months.

Daydreams

Daydreams are a fascinating thing. To me they always helped me get out of my own life for a bit or see the what ifs. When I was younger I invented a girl named Rose. She looked basically just like me but black hair. And can kick butt if needed to. In a way she became my aalter ego. She was basically who I wanted to be. She was fearless and didn't have anyone telling her what to do. As I got older some of them still included rose. Others were having dogs and dinosaurs of my own that hid among trees and buildings not to be seen. When hormones kicked in I started daydreaming about boys and my future. When I wasn't daydreaming about boys it was about saving the world, being secretly rich, or having to keep a secret that I was really good at singing. At one point I started to daydream about possibilities of what would happen if this happened. Sometimes it would be about running away and how I would survive and where I would go. At one point I daydreamed about being two different people. At the time I figured it would be the easiest way to salve my problem. Even through in one daydream with it I was fighting a bad dude and the other girl was named Lea. Lea was the one I wanted to be and I was what I am. But even though I daydreamed my reality became better then I could imagine. Yes being more financially stable would be nice. But that's not what matters. It's knowing I can't picture a better life or a different life then what I have now. It took a lot of dark roads. But I got there. And looking back my daydreams reflected more on how I was feeling then anything else.

From the person I'm marring in 11 days

Once there was a dream, a thought, and a future. Then there was you, you brought the dream to life. Bringing the thought to reality, and bringing the future to the present. With all this I am whole, with it I can face the future for you. Without it I would be an empty shell, a ghost of who I am. With you in hand we march threw and face the future and all the good and bad that comes. Tell time comes were as we part and leave the world behind, we shall find each other in time once more. Where there once was a dream, a thought, and a future. There was truth and a life.

I Love You Bretta Kassahn, My Goddess, My wife, My love, My everything.

It keeps coming back...

Ever since that night. My mind goes back to it and so does my emotions. I hate it. I don't want my love to feel responsible for it. Good came out of it. But so does my worries. I worry that I'll never be good enough. I worry that he will change his mind. I been so snappy lately and I hate it cuz I can't control it I only know how bad I feel after. I just want it gone. I want the snapping to go away. I want it to stop coming back into my mind.

Terrified

Right now I'm so scared that one day you will no longer want me. That you will see what an emotional wreck and unable to do anything right person I am. That you will see how there are so many more beautiful girls then me. That you will relized I was just a fling and your heart belongs to someone else. I'm scared of losing you. The only other person I'm scared of losing is our son. I've overcome so many fears of mine that you too are the two I wouldn't handle well. I know it's less then 50 days tell our wedding. And i know with you its going to be magical. But  it's a fear I can't shake. The fear of losing you. The fear that you die or don't want me anymore. It eats me up so much. That nights like tonight I having a hard time shaking it.

Update

So I went to Lucky charms wedding. Figured out my wedding date. Got a dress.  Quin hit a deer on the way back. Had to tell insurance that I was driving to be covered. Car now in shop. I think that basically sums up what all been going on.

Quins poem

Let me tell you a forgotten dream that once was. Let me tell you about a forgotten love that once was. A forgotten whisper that once was known. A kiss that still lingers, and arms that still hold love when they hold.A fire that still burns with passion. And a love that still is.

Sweet quote

So about everyone has seen the quote "I want my first marriage to be my only marriage". Kat ended up posting it on facebook and I committed with "I want my second marriage to be my last". Her friend Erika posted underneath something I love. "Everyone deserves to have a practice husband (or wife)". Take a moment for all those people who marry and hopefully divorce abusive or cheating person. How many would love to hear that. Or even people where the person they thought was the one left them. It's really something special.

To quickly

I know your only 2 months old but your growing up so quickly. Last night you slept from right before midnight all the way until almost 6am. Then when you woke up you only had a wet diaper. If you do it tomorrow night you'll be moved into your room.

Mothers day

Lot has happened since my last post but I'll leave that for later. This mother's day was pretty amazing. I got flowers early which I didn't mind. First flowers from my guy. Then on the actual day. I spent basically the whole day with my guy. He took me out to eat so I didn't have to cook. Then before we went home we stopped at Walgreens. Being in the store with him was just like back in Oklahoma all over again. We got what we were looking for. Then we browsed the store like we used to. He got me a white with purple teddy bear there and a gluten free snack. It was an amazing day overall.

Sleeping

You slept almost 6 hours!!! Sadly mom only slept 2 and a half. That's what I get from packing while you slept lol. Oh well I hope you do it again soon.

First time 4-2

Your daddy and I put you on the floor for some tummy time. Well I sat on the floor next to you and just was talking to you. Massaging your shoulders. And rubbing your back. Well you ended up falling asleep. Your dad was the one that noticed. We ended up flipping you over. I know they don't like when  babies sleep on bellies. But for some reason you love it.

No ceremony

So the topic the wedding has been being bounced around. My guy and myself has basically decided to just get married by a judge and then having a reception later on. I wanted to get some opinions from a few people that are close to me. Seeing as for one I am terrified to tell some of my family. And two I didn't really have a wedding last time lol. These are basically the answers I got back.

T. -That's what you did for the first wedding. Had ceremony then nothing else. It's your day. Entirely up to you and what you think you want. Do have baby now. Things are expensive. What are you going to want to have to remember.

M. - All up to you.

N. - That sounds like a great idea, to be honest. I don't really see the point of a big humongous shin dig. Screw them. It's your life and you can do what you want. You'll share the happiness with people eventually, but you just need to do what's best for you.

L. - You could if you wanted to. With a baby, it may be easier for you to do it that way and just plan a reception later. Take it from some who made the mistake of letting her family take over her wedding planning, do what you feel is going to be best. You Wil be happiest doing what you want to for your wedding.

So basically all saying it's up to me. And i think it basically made up my mind on what I want to do. Yes I would love to have pictures with my guy and I all dressed up in wedding attire. And get to deal with what flowers or food I want. Hey I still get to do food lol I just relized that. Walking down an aisle might be fun and having brides maids would be fun.. except picking on who.. to many people I would love to pick. Lol. But to me in the end I don't think non of that matters. As long as I get the same end result. I just need the
courage to tell my grandparents and my dad lol.

Future marriage

So I keep bugging my guy about the date he plans on us getting married. He won't tell me. And I'm impatient. I just want to be illegally married to him. And I'm getting jealous of everyone getting married and I'm like I was engaged first... yah I know it's a little childish of myself. I told my guy I wanted a day to be excited for. Which is true. I don't have that with Kai anymore except counting how much older he is. He ended up telling me "Haha you should be excited for every day cause you never now what might happen". Which is true. So I told him "but it's not everyday I get to marry the love of my life". He stunned me on what he told me next. He told me that I do. Of course I asked how. Then he said something so sweet. I decided at least for now I'll stop bugging him about it. He told me "Every day I come home every day I lay down and hold you every day I kiss you and make you smile and laugh every day I get to Say that your mine always and forever baby so every day we get married little more at a time". Isn't he the sweetest. Anyways wanted to share that.

Mom perks

Being a new mom has its moments. Take a few days ago for example. I was out shopping with the family and I saw this lady with a baby carrier. Well I been looking for one so I went up and asked what she recommended. She told me what she liked and disliked about the one she was wearing and about another one she used before. She went on telling me about the best ways to get one for cheep. We then started talking about brestfeeding covers and how to get free stuff. She then offered to give me a brestfeeding cover. We exchanged phone numbers so she can give me more information on how to get free items when she gets home. We ended up leaving the store and she digged threw her car and gave me her other brestfeeding cover. We then parted ways with my guy looking at me like how. To me becoming a mom is like joining an exclusive club. You have to go through the rough patches basically like hazing to get in. Then once your in your all united in some way. You give other moms advice if they ask. And you don't judge how one parents because we all been there. Yes I admit some moms don't seem like they are apart of the club. But I guess like all good clubs you can get kicked out or decide to join or not. It just up to you to use your newly mom senses and figure it out. I'm also not saying all moms will give you free stuff. But most of them will give you advice if you ask. Also having a baby gives you wonderful excuse to get out of stuff.

His new job

My guy ended up getting a new job. He now works as a state driver for a newspaper company. Pay isn't great but it's livable. Only problem I have with it is that he works nights. So he is gone all night. Which is sometimes a great thing with the newborn. But he sleeps during the day. So I feel like I get no time with him. Even if it's just sleeping next to him. I kinda hate it. But I am glad he got the job. We needed a job badly. And for the most part he seems to like it. At least he is close to home.

3 weeks

I can't believe your already 3 weeks old. You have grown so much. To the point I'm seriously glad you came out when you did. For 3 weeks you are still puking up about everything you eat. And your toothless smile I so wish I could get on camera. It's the most adorable thing ever. You had some eye gunk problem but they went away for the most part as soon as you learned to create tears. That day was entertaining cuz you would just tear up with a big smile on your face knowing you made this big accomplishment. Your umbilical cord fell off. So you finally got your first bath. You whined through most of it. But you liked sitting in it. Guess you didn't know what to think of it. Your hair is getting darker and also growing a lot more of it. You love tummy time. You managed the other day to crawl over the boppy pillow and went about a foot. You can't quite crawl so it's a mix between military crawl and scooting across the floor. You also havent quite figured out to use your arms to move. Your still not much of a fussy baby. But you love to be held. You also rather sleep anywhere but your bed.. I think it's cuz it's to hard. But we're going to kick you from that habit. Your 21 inches long and over a lb from your birth weight. Also your dad likes giving you gripe water. You also have such unique personality and express it quite a bit. You gone through your first holiday and about to go through your second.

Love

There's is a big difference between loves. You can love someone you barely know. But it's not until you get to know the person and see the flaws that makes them who they are. That you truly know you love them. It could be something that you normally would disagree with. But in the end you could care less and still want to be with that person.

Little boy

My sweet little boy. I can't believe I made someone so precious. But not even 24 hours after birth your even giving nurses a scare. My dear little boy you have a reflex problem. You also scared the nurses to the point I don't get you for the night. And your circumcision is being delayed cuz of it. I hope they let us go home tomorrow. No idea how hard it is to not have a way to watch over you tonight. I love you little boy. Be strong for this world. You have a family who can't lose you yet.

Day that changed lifes.

At 7:51am I gave birth to a little boy all natural. 7 lbs 1oz and 19 1/4 inches.

About 11 days left

Hehehe. I know it's late. Or early. I blame the kid. But I wanted to point out that I have about 11 days left. I know it's probably going to be sooner or after. But I got all excited. I went from wanting to have the kid already to I'm not ready. And now I'm just trying to be patient knowing he will be here when he wants to lol.

Update

Woke up cuz having to use the bathroom. Relized I also had extreme acid reflux. Guess that's what I get for forgetting to take stumach meds. Used the toilet and heard a plop. I finished up then I looked what the plop was. It looked like part of the mucius plug. Guess I lost the last of it. Went out of the bathroom. Didn't really want to leave the room to get meds. So I took four tums and drank a little water. Then decided that this is a big moment and I should write about it before going back to bed. So night.

Been awhile

Well I know it's been awhile. And mostly cuz I just been busy. My guy is back home and I'm just happy with that. Kirsten's brother died the same way my uncle did. Oddly their funeral was on the same day just different years. I'm now 37 weeks. I can't wait for this little guy to be out. But my guy is such a wonderful support. He makes sure my wellbeing is taken care of. Then he goes on a cleaning spree. I been mostly having fun with a stumach flu. But it seems like it's all in the past now.

Have you ever

Have you ever just wanted to die but couldn't cuz of a living person inside of you. That's how I feel. I want to just die. It doesn't matter what I do. I make mistakes. I hurt people. I make other people upset at others. I just hate it. I feel like I don't belong in this world. That death would be easier. This little boy is probably the best thing that keeps me living. If I knew he was gone I don't know what would keep me here right now. I even think it be better for my guy if I was gone.

Body image

Do I feel pretty? No. This pregnancy makes me just feel huge... I had issues with my weight before I got pregnant but I could still feel pretty. I don't feel that away any more. Yah everyone comments on how I look with the belly and I'll I can think is yah that's cuz you don't want me to feel bad. Do I love being pregnant? Yes. But I hate feeling so big. It's the only time in life people praise you for gaining weight. Unless your underweight. I see 180 on the scale and go ahhh. and I'm not even done with my pregnancy. I could care less what a scale says for the most part it's just how I look. Big brests. Yes I can live with bigger. Bigger belly. As much as I don't like how I'm so big I am I also know it's baby. Big thys. They drive me nuts. Fatter facial. I kinda want to kill my face. Acne everywhere.. they can just go. In the end I hope it's worth it. But for now I can't wait until I can work myself back to a decent weight and shape and love my body again. BTW being able to wipe normally or shave or bend over is a few things I miss.

Just one of those days

I'm sure it's just pregnancy hormones but.. Omw!!! I'm having basically an emotional break down. If it wasn't for that f'in house I would go take a trip to north dakota and see my guy. Right now I don't feel like I can do anything right or feel even loved. I'm starting to wonder what's the point even though it's basically all in my head. I know he cares but when he is gone I don't think he even relizes that when he gets his checks. I don't pull out money for food for myself. I pull out bills and leave the rest for him. What he does with the rest is up to him. I just wish he could see that. Hell last time I went just food shopping was November... I have bits of random stuff but nothing for meals. Dad knows it. Why doesn't he? He worries so much about making sure I eat enough I don't think he relizes I eat what I have and that's basically it. Unless dad pays for something. He got worried about how I spent that much on bills and doesn't trust me on it. Hell what I'm going to spend 700 on? I'm not spending it on food. Or shopping. I don't know it got to me that he got freaked out about it. Yes I said I paid a bill I didn't but hey. I don't know where the money went I paid bills and dealt with the house. My mind could care less during braxton hicks contractions. It freaks me out more I get the baby or the contractions. I don't feel both. So most of the day I haven't felt the baby and it's freaking me out. Sorry this is coming off as a rant. Oh well good stress reducer.

Your dad knows just what to say

Your dad at the moment is working out of state. So we're texting and I relize tomorrow I'm officially 8 months pregnant. So I tell him that it's scary. (First kid I'm giving birth to. To me it's completely scary.) He tells me its not. So I tell your dad.. Is for me baby. I want the kid out but at the same time I'm going I'm not ready... I'm just scared... . Your dad knowing myself and knowing just what's to say says this. Calm your sexy ass down baby you can never be ready you can say we are but when having a kid your never ready. He is definitely my anchor at times.

Last year

I started thinking about where I was last year and everything that has happened so far this year. Thinking in the long run I so rather have this year over last. I know this year is still young. Even though my emotions are more senitive this year. It's nothing compaired to everything that happened last year.

Little one.

Yesterday you entered 30 weeks. Your about 3 lbs. And found out your breached. Please go head first little one. They also told me your measuring a bit bigger then when your due date is. I'm kinda scared lol. Your grandpa came with me to the ultrasound. He was so amazed at how everything showed up and seeing you. I started tearing up seeing you in 3d. I can't wait until I get to see you with my own eyes.

Nights

Feeling so alone tonight. All I want is to be in your arms. I'm having a hard time just falling asleep. I love you so much and hate when your away.