11 days

My day started out as any other day. I get up. I send mj off to work. I get on my phone.  Found a lot of messages and voicemails on my phone. .. little over two days and everyone tries to reach me. Okay well not everyone but still quite a bit. Basically the world went deeper and I didnt know about it. From 6:30 am to little over 4 pm I was talking to people non stop during calls while I was also texting people. Busy busy busy. Well during that time I called it quits with my husband. about 5:30 my standing jewelry box plus whatever on top of it crashed on top of my son. Luckly only thing was a bump on the head. He snuggled with me until he passed out. Then 6:30 7 came around my husband came in grabbed a bottle of jack Daniels and started putting on some shoes... I dont want to get into details but he tried to have me stab him. He tried stabing himself. He almost called 911 on himself. He ended up yelling at his son. At his parents.  Even at my dad before he threw up then passed out drunk in his own vomit. Well during the time he was drinking my son fell off the counter. He had enough and insisted on going to bed after that.  Getting a lot of support.  Hard to ask but im getting it. Then barb ended up calling and talking to me about how if its over then I need to have either her or her daughter pick up my son... I knew she didnt like me or anything and I knew it was coming. .. still hurts... one day gone another is coming.  And one specific person is less then an hour away... ill be okay...

Strength

Why does everyone belive im so strong emotionally.  I really not. They may see it. But I dont. I know I been though a lot and im still going though a lot. But im not that strong. This is killing me emotionally.  I give in way to easy.  So what can I do? I let my emotions over run me. I need to be stronger for myself. And for the people I care about. Right now all I want to do is go hide in a hole. Away from all the emotional turmoil. I'm stuck always hurting the people around me or disappointing the people that care about me. I just dont know how to be strong enough that I wont. My backbone hides a lot. I know it deals with how I grew up. But that backbone and strength needs to find a way to come out when I need it. Hope everything calms down enough emotional wize soon.

So darn scared.

Im so darn scared.  I havent gave in to my husband. So it looks like its finally going through.  So spending time what may be the last time I get to with my son. Havent heard from my husband for 2 hours. So no idea whats going on. Told my love a date. So darn scared im not going to keep it or this is all going to end badly. Im not happy.  Im just scared and emotional.  Scared that im going to hurt more people. Scared im going to give in to my husband or the devil inside me. Scared to get attached again. Scared of everything i have to do. Hoping if I spend tonight alone ill find a way to keep my mind busy. Scared to have any hope. Just so scared.

I been

I been rapped more then once. I been choked.  I been suffocated. I been pinned down. I been hit. I been called or told
[ ] Un caring
[ ] Dont listen
[ ] Complain to much
[ ] Untrustworthy
[ ] Lier
[ ] Cant take care of house
[ ] Dont keep promises
[ ] Stupid
[ ] Fat
[ ] Ugly
[ ] Lazy
[ ] Emotionally unstable
[ ] Abusive mother
[ ] Unfit mother
[ ] Slut
[ ] Hore
[ ] Bitch
[ ] Rude
[ ] Insensitive
[ ] Go to hell
And yet when I decide to leave im being begged to stay.

Thinking

Thinking that I rather lose anyone then you. But I knew that. Dont think it sunk in this much though.  Im never ending crying cuz of it. Dont even want to know what I putting you through. Just that thought kills me more. Im such an idiot.  Why did I break. I got further then ever. And now im in a worse spot where I only see darkness. I should have just called you. It would have brought all my courage back. Instead I took you out of the equation.  And hurt myself more. Why am I this stupid.  Your what I want. Am I just determined not to be happy. I sure think so right now. Think it hurt more just how easy you took it. Why in the world did you take it that easy. All I got was a okay bye... I just dont understand why. That kills me more then anything. Makes it seems like everything gone. Poof.

one person

One person I want to talk to. Is the one person I just let go of. I hate this. He really is my soul mate. And I just broke his heart. Ugg. I did something he would leave me in a heart beat for anyways. But still. He my everything and I cant just let him go. But I already made that choice. I paying for it. And I cant stand it. I want him to know so bad that this is better in the long run. But I cant. I need my babe. Guess this will help with me ending all the pain. But I need him. I really need him. Maybe ill find someway but for now. Im broken.

Last thing I told the love of my life

You really need to find someone else. I promise you im not the one for you. I know this may make it so I lose you completely.  But right now if that what happens then that what happens. Ill always love you and want to be with you. But it something we have to do. This will be the last thing you hear from me. Im sorry......

I cant

I cant ... I cant... I just cant..  needing someone here to watch my son. Cuz I cant. Someone needs to take this knife away. Cuz I cant. Someone needs to show me that I can. Cuz I cant. I cant stop cutting. I cant stop crying. I cant stop hurting.  I cant stop hurting the people I care about. Im not strong enough for this life. I cant even stop lying. I just cant do this anymore. I keep praying for my life to end for almost 4 months... I think thats way to long. I just cant do it anymore I cant. I just cant. I know its the coward way out but still. I cant. I know it will hurt people but I just cant.

Dont want to mess up

So many things I have done. Why cant I know I wont screw up. Im forever afraid of losing everything and eveyone I love. I know I get told it wont. My faith tells me everything will work out. Im still freaking out. Its like every little thing I have done is coming out. Mocking me. Telling me it wont work. Telling me I screwing up. Then it all vanishes. Sometimes for a few min. Others for a few days. I know what I want. I know what I believe. Now to hope I dont ruin it.

Wow

This is something my cousin wrote that I just had to share.  Everyone is living a lie because everyone is searching for something or simply distracted from the truth.. People search for love because they believe they don't have love that has always been there, inside them they search for god because they forgot that he is you, they numb themselves with drugs and alcohol to stop themselves from seeing themselves .. People live in fear, instead of understanding this is a journey it's all just about learning.. People live in hell when they believe lies, lies against themselves by not forgiving themselves and believing they aren't just as they should be.. Or peoples lies that they aren't perfect.. So many people have lost paradise because they stopped being themselves.

Thankfulness 11-1-13 to 12-4-13

[ ] Nov 1. Im thankful for my cat. He been there through everything.
[ ] Nov 2. Im thankful for my son. Being his mom has been one of the best experiences of my life.
[ ] Nov 3. Im thankful for my grandparents. I may not see them as much as I would like to but they are always there for me. And I love them dearly.
[ ] Nov 4. Im thankful for my home. It may need tones of work. But im greatful for having it.
[ ] Nov 5. Im thankful for the people I have met. Not everyone is in your life forever. But everyone even people I just walk by has made some sort of impact on my life. And for that I am greatful.
[ ] Nov 6. Im thankfuk for the opportunity to be able to talk to anyone around the world that I need to.
[ ] Nov 7. Im thankful for being able to express who you are in so many diffrent ways. Without it I be lost.
[ ] Nov 8. Im thankful for what patience I do have. Somedays I wish I had more.
[ ] Nov 9. Im thankful for food.
[ ] Nov 10. Im thankful for snow. For how it changes everything and its never ending beauty.
[ ] Nov 11. Im thankful for change. Even though I get scared of change. I really like change. Otherwise life would be boring
[ ] Nov 12. I'm thankful for transportation
[ ] Nov 13. Thankful for blankets
[ ] Nov 14 I'm thankful for furniture
[ ] Nov 15 I'm thankful for faith
[ ] Nov 16 I'm thankful for books
[ ] Nov 17 I'm thankful for my cousin Ally
[ ] Nov 18 I'm thankful for my family
[ ] Nov 19. Im thankful for electricity
[ ] Nov 20. Im thankful for bills
[ ] Nov 21. Im thankful for chores
[ ] Nov 22 im thankful for my understanding on certain things
[ ] Nov 23 im thankful for humor
[ ] Nov 24. Im thankful for nurses
[ ] Nov 25. Im thankful for medication
[ ] Nov 27. Im thankful for forgiveness
[ ] Nov 28. Im thankful for clothes
[ ] Nov 29. Im thankful for relaxation
[ ] Nov 30. Im thankful for love
[ ] Dec 1. Im thankful for time
[ ] Dec 2. Im thankful for prayer
[ ] Dec 3. Im thankful for religion
[ ] Dec 4. Im thankful for health

Knowing 11-24-13

Knowing that two people who are not around eachother can dream of the same thing... its an amazing thing. Expecially when you feel like your compelety alone on the idea.

Dout 11-22-13

I dout that thing will ever look up. I dout things will ever change. I dout you feel the same way I do. I dout the way people see me. So I dout the way I see myself. I dout that theres a reason im here. I dout the way people see the world. I dout the way life seems. I dout anyone will notice. I dout my soul will ever open. I dout my heart will ever feel full. I dout my dreams will be real. I dout other people. Most of all I dout myself.

Secret 11-12-13

a secret of mine is that ever since all the fighting started I only been wanting one thing. A very selfish and immature thing. then the one day I didnt want it. I started to go back. Then it was gone. and now I want the same thing again. because I dont want to go back.

Dispaire 11-11-13

Feeling like someone punched you in the gut. Feeling like you want to just cry. Wanting to be alone. Feeling all cold. Yet knowing it was to good to be true. Not being able to stop shivering. Wanting to be in a hole. I understand so much now. I want someone to kill me. To bad it wont happen. Needing to be strong.  But not able to find it.  Not able to say why I feel the way I do to anyone. Wishing I found out when it wasnt my time of month. But glad I know. Will it always hurt? Will it ever go away? Only time will tell. Trying to be strong. Nothing is working.

Expression 11-5-13

Whenever I thought about expression. I thought about the people who get stuck wearing uniforms and dont really have a way to express themselfs. I always took expression for granted. I expressed myself though my clothes and online. When that was taken away. I went through a lot of emotions.  I started to write. I also started to cut my hair. Then when I felt the need to express myself I cut more of my hair and ended up writing. I dont know if I need expression more because of what ill I went though. Maybe ill find out before im bald. I just know I need it some how.

I'll always 11-5-13

Ill always long for you. Ill always love you. Ill always have a hole on were you should be. Ill always miss you. Ill always have a tear to shead for you. Ill always hate our time apart. Ill always cherish the time we had together. Ill always miss you.

Hole 11-5-13

What is this hole in my heart. This feeling of dread and sorrow. Was I wrong on my decision. Did I not pick what my soul wanted. It hurts so bad. But it needed to be done. I cant live both lifes. I needed to choose.  Just didnt think how big of an impact it would have on my soul. Would I finally live with regret. Or dread on what I did. Will I ever feel whole. Or just an empty space. Only time will tell.

Sorry 11-5-13

Im sorry for all the hurt. Im sorry for all the pain. Im sorry im not the one that can take it all away. Im sorry for everything that I have ever done to hurt you. Im sorry for it all. Im sorry things are the way is it. Im so sorry.

Goodbye 11-5-13

Can I tell you goodbye. After all we been through. After all our hopes and dreams. Am I able to say goodbye. The feelings I get when I think about it tells me no. Do I have to. Yes. Do I want to. No. But its to late now. I have to let you go. I have to hurt us both and hope we can be happy again in time. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard if I didn't fall so much. Ill always want you. Ill always love you. But I have to say goodbye. Because of how much I love you. I have to say goodbye.

Regret 11-5-13

As much as I might hate it. Or want to take it back. I will never regret my decisions. My decisions make who I am. I learn so much from my decisions. That I will never reget it.

Never ending 11-4-13

Never wanting to hurt you. But its all im managing to do. Trying to find a way to stop. But always going backwards.  Hurting myself in the process. Only way to make it stop would only hurt you worse. How long can this keep going. This never ending process. Maybe being alone is all I have.

Cage 10-31-13

Relizing your in a cage. Trying to pick the lock. Always getting stuck. Finding a back door. Tasting the freedom. Wanting it more then anything in the world. Keep going further and further away from the cage. Finally getting caught. Being placed in a smaller cage. Always fighting the cage. Trying to even stick a leg out. Not able to to say the words to be out of the cage forever. Always in the cage. Looking at the key. And just giving up hope.

Happiness 10-30-13

Happiness doesnt come easy. It doesn't always stay. Its a part of healthy living. Yet its taken for granted. Without it comes trouble. Sorrow. And even death. Finding your happiness is key in life. People dont always pick happiness. They pick something familiar. No matter the consequences. They regret it in the end.

Understanding 10 -22- 13

What ended up happening wasnt easy. I am so pissed off at myself for the way I started acting last night. Honestly I still feel that away. I knew what I wanted. In the end I dont know how I got to where I am now or maybe it just hasnt sunk in. It went from me being stong enough mentally.  To me letting go. In one night I went from pushing what I needed. To basically having no ring no relationship nothing. To me not being able to say bye again. I guess ill always be stuck in the cage because I cant let go completely.  Each time except for the last I was finally content on being done. And now im stuck with the decision ive made. And my emotions that go with it. Maybe it more then that. But as I said im stuck. Part of me is happy. The rest is eatting me from the inside out.

Fear 10-20-2013

Fear on what I have. Fear on what would lose. Rather destroy myself then another. Learning to have faith. Then fear takes me back again. Wanting to escape the pain I give others. Not able to find a way out. Finally seeing a light. Getting hopes and dreams back. For getting where I stand. Fear takes me back again. Every tear I cry is not for me. But the other who I make suffer. Trying to make it right. But always finding fear.

Ugg

So last month my husband found out that I was texting another guy. We been fighting ever since. I got told not to be online.. yah im so following that well. So I ended up cutting my hair everytime I got depressed. And the last few weeks I havent gone a week without being in a doctors office to figure out whats wrong with me. So much stress...