2014 year review

            Little about me:
1. Age... I'm 21
2. Favorite color.... purple
3. Favorite 2014 book... last of walk series or last of house of night series

          Highlights of 2014:

1. Greatest lessons learned... sometimes the best thing in life isn't always the easiest.
2. Hardest thing this year... letting go of people. Some you still want in life and some you had to.
3. Favorite memory... I have a lot of favorites this year. Wouldn't know what to pick.
4. What I loved about 2014... being able to start over and get to truly start being myself again
    
              Looking forward to in 2015

1. Want to learn... How to better myself. How to open up more. And whatever this year has to teach me.
2. Want to get better at... crocheting, giving my opinion, and growing as a parent.
3. Goals for 2015... don't think I'm going set one this year.

When your away

When your away I feel frozen. I feel like there's a blizzard all around me. That I'm just waiting for all the snow to melt. Then when I'm with you. You melt everything away. The more I with you the more away the snow goes. It goes from basically deep winter to spring. As I stay around you my spring turns into summer. Then there's the days you have to go again. My summer goes into a fall. My days get colder. Fall doesn't stay for to long before winter hits again. I'm back to being frozen. Surrounded by the blizzard. Waiting until my snow melts again.

My guy

How I ended up with such an amazing man? I have completely no idea. All I know is he hooked me from from the first time I heard his voice. That phone call I argued about taking. I'm glad I did. His voice was captiviting, his stubbornness was oddly adorable, and he was so easy to talk to. Then I got to see him. He was so handsome. And now 2 years later he is completely mine and we're expecting a little one. I know I skipped a bit. But I cant see my life without him.

You don't understand

I don't text you this much cuz I feel like I have to. It's that I want to. It doesn't help that basically your the only one I have to talk to. I hold myself back on texting you as it is. It's been my way to comfort myself not being able to be around you. I can't throw myself into work. Or really anything. With my dad being here I feel like I'm back in jr high high school. I just wish I can make you understand on why I text how I do and how much I do. It has nothing to do with the past. Hey you can ask about any one from slc and they can tell you how much I texted when I lived there. I'll work on slowing down even more. Just remember that the last time I was slowing down you started to bug me that other people was texting you more then I was. But I think I'm really going to let you go until bed. Just know it's not that I want to. It's that if I'm going to slow down more that I need to do this.

Missing him

Wanting my baby home. I know he working to provide for us. But I'm missing him so much. If it wasn't for doctor appointments. I would have gone with him. It's not easy being away from him and being 25 weeks pregnant. We're both hating it. Skype is helping and so is talking to him. Don't know how much longer I can take this though.

Thankfulness November 2014

1. I'm thankful for all the changes that has happened this year. It wasn't easy but I wouldn't want to go back

2. I'm thankful for my guy. I wouldn't know what to do without him. He been my knight and more. He is my biggest supporter and shows me how I should be treated.

3. I'm so thankful for this little one inside me. It was a long shot that I could ever have kids and so I am thankful for getting this opportunity. This is the hardest thing I have gone through and I wouldn't change it.

4. I'm thankful for my house. Being able to have a roof over my head and a place to go is wonderful.

5. I'm thankful for technology. It's been helping me stay connected to my guy while he gone for work. Also it's been keeping me distracted. I also get to know what's going on with my friends and family that's not close to me.

6. I'm thankful for my family. They mean so much to me. They do more for me then I could ever ask of them. I love them all.

7. I'm thankful for my cat. Glad I got some time with just him this week. He is such and old and loving cat. (19yrs)

8. I'm thankful for knowing myself and my emotions. It's nice being able to control myself in most situations.

9. I'm thankful for my faith. It's been something I can count on since I was little.

10. I'm thankful for the people that served. Either now or in the past. They do more for this country then most of us will ever know.

11. I'm thankful for my friends. Even though we don't hang out much. I'm glad you are all in my life.

12. I'm thankful for the changes of weather. For all it can teach us and the different beauties in all of them.

13. I'm thankful for all the difference everyone has. Yes we all have some of the same stuff. But it's our differences that make us unique.

14. I'm thankful for charities. Until you helped one out you don't see how much work it takes. But when you go to fundraisers for them the love in the room is so strong it's really something special.

15. I'm thankful school spirit. When you see it not just in or around the school but basically the entire town has it. It's something truly amazing.

16. im thankful for the blessings I have gotten in my life. I wouldn't know what my life would be like without them. I also wouldn't have as much of an appreciation for life as well.

17. I'm thankful for my heritage. I love knowing where my line has come from.

18. I'm thankful for all the support I get. I'm honored. I don't always think I deserve it. But im grateful I do.

19. I'm thankful for the people I have lost. They have touched me a great deal.

20. I'm thankful for medication. I probably could go the rest of the November saying why I'm thankful for it seeing it is such a wide category. Long thing short. I'm thankful for what's helping me through the pregancy. I'm also thankful for seeing what my body does without certain ones. And seeing how it has helped others.

21. I'm thankful for medical personal. They do so much for the world.

22. I'm thankful for stuffed animals. For how much they mean to me I will never grow out of them.

23. I'm thankful for the universe. It let's us see that's there's more out there then just us.

24. I'm thankful for animals. Most animals can teach us so much. They also can be a great blessing to us.

25. I'm thankful for bad days. You wouldn't appreciate a good day if you never had a bad day.

26. I'm thankful for air. Besides giving so much life to this world. It does so much more.

27. I'm thankful I got to spend this time of year with family. It's not often, but it's sure special to me when I do.

28. I'm thankful for food. I know not everyone has it. And I couldn't imagine being pregnant and not being able to get enough to control the hunger let alone the nausea.

29. I'm thankful that at least once a year we all look past our wants and see just how much we take for granted.

30. I'm thankful I got to raise the little boy that I did. Even though I miss him dearly and wish he was still in my life. I'm at least thankful for the opportunity. It was one thing I wouldn't ever want to give up. No matter how hard it is on me. But it's making me stronger. Little by little.

Love Quote I believe I just made up

You are my anchor that keeps me from floating away and I am your spark that keeps you from burning out.

Baby fun before birth

Once you can feel the baby move you can start playing with the little one. Yes it's an odd feeling but it's fun to know you can play with the little one before he/she is out.

After high school graduation

I wanted to write kinda a sum up of my life since graduation.

Okay. So after I graduated. I ended up trying to just disappear and go with Mj and actually have Draco be mine right then and there. Well I ended up getting caught because my dad skipped work so dad and Kirsten ended up staying at my house not invited by me. So after a big fight and everything else. I ended up staying in SLC until the end of august. I started going to the University of Wyoming.  During that time I would walk a mile or two after my classes to see Mj at his sisters house and sometimes I would walk all the way from her house in the morning to school. I was having troubles with my sleep. I went to the doctors at the school for pain and found out I'm required to go to a chiropractor.  I started having really bad grades. I got depressed. I really wanted just to die. It didn't help that Mj was not just mine he was Kala's. The one who gave birth to Draco. I ended up breaking it off with Mj. I got much more depessed. Kala ended up helping get us back together.  I don't remember exactly what ended it but Kala and Mj wasn't anything anymore. I ended up for a month ditching out of school and moved in with Mj and his parents and Draco. During that month Kala ended up getting pregnant with Draco's half brother. Middle of that month I told my grandmother who paid for my college that I want to stop and move to Douglas. Moved out of the dorm that day. A day before Halloween I got engaged. That January or February his parents ended up getting us into our own place. I was back in college but a community college.  I also was an full time mom. I got married a day after my 19th birthday in a graveyard .  That next month I got a job on top of all that. I quit that june. The owner of the trailer court ended up dying. Everyone who didn't own there place had to either buy their home and move it or just get out. We had 30 days.We started looking for actual houses. Didn't know it but I ended up somehow getting pregnant end of june. (I say somehow because Mj wouldn't do anything with me without a condom) moved everything into a storage unit and moved back into his parents place. His parents place just relocated to Orin, Wy. So it didn't have indoor plumbing yet. So we had a portapotty. Luckly that month we ended up closing on the house. Before that we went to the fair and ended up killing the baby. Mj was nicer still then and carried me back to the truck. Okay back to getting house. So at the time we just jumped at the first thing we found. Had a wonderful Oct.  November I wrecked a four wheeler and people thought I should have gone to er for my ankle. I could have cared less. That Dec.  His brother Mark his wife Mary and their 2 friends with the 3 kids moved in with us. Mj started to change.  That January Draco got really sick. He was in the hospital for a week.  I was there with him. Got back no one did any cleaning nothing when I was gone. Mj kicked out the friends and the 3 kids. They moved the first week of February.  Birthday and anniversary went well even though our house was full with people who wanted to celebrate with us uninvited. 2 weeks later is when I met the guy I'm with now. He is Mary half brother. I had to help him with directions to a destination seeing as my husband wanted as little people knowing were we lived as possible.  I went with them cuz we were celebrating Mary birthday. I was attractive to him but I was sill in love with Mj (or so I thought). He bought something for Draco and offered to buy me a book but I declined cuz of how Mj was. I would message him on Facebook and oddly got jealous when he got a girlfriend. It drove me nuts trying to figure out why I was jealous when I was married.  Well that may I started to see the true Mj and what he was doing and I wanted out. His girlfriend broke up with Quin (don't think I said his name before). We started talking and became close. Well I was out with Mary and Quin was in town. Quin and I pretended (like I had to pretend) flirt to freak out his sister. She knew how bad Mj was. Well we got closer after that. We started flirting over phone. But I had to hide it. I tried stopping it once. I ended up getting pregnant that month. 2 weeks later I dropped off Draco at his grandmother house so I could see about the pregnancy and I also had a lump on my chest so I was going to get that checked.  Well Quin mom at the time worked and lived in Orin. So I had to stop for the bathroom. Before I left back to Douglas to get checked.  I told Mary what I was doing and ran into Quin. We started talking again. I was to scared to get checked so I said screw it. Well I picked up Draco and everything and went to the park. Quin ended up meeting me there and we got talking and flirting cuz we actually wanted to. He was trying more to get me to smile and not so caged up. We kept our boundaries but that didn't stop feelings.  As I said I wanted to be done with Mj. Draco what kept me there. I ended up losing the baby and I'll I did was ask my husband for a hug and got told no. I couldn't eat for 3 days and no one knew. End of July of 2013 I'll I wanted was to be with Quin. Mj got to the point of I had to text him every 5 to 10 min. More things happened there then I would like to admit.  I tried leaving by the end of October.  I couldn't.  I know somewhere these could be my last holidays with Draco. I wanted to wait until 2014. Time blinked in a flash. I had to text Mj every 2 min. Mark left Mary. Mary still lived with us until Feb. I will always love Mj some how. But I say no on going back to him. I went back and forth on suicide, just staying with Mj, and going with Quin. I tried leaving Mj 3 times. Tried saying bye to Quin once. I ended up cutting during that time. I carved "I can't" into my leg. I also cut clothes to relax. I cut my hair cuz I couldn't express myself.  I could but my husband wouldn't allow it. In the end I did leave Mj. During that time he tried to have me stab him. I wanted to. Draco was near me and I couldn't.  Quin brother ended up in an accident.  I even tried ended it with both. Quin told me he still loved me and wanted me even after all the hurt I gave him. His brother didn't make it. I went with Quin and Mary to the funeral. End of that week I went with Quin to Oklahoma and had Mary move back into my house. End of February I went to SLC for a wedding.  Was back in Douglas for a week. Paid bills. Saw how the house was. Went back to Oklahoma before my birthday.  Was there until last April.  Moved back to Douglas.  Saw the house kicked Mary out. Cleaned it. Repaired it. Got told im no longer Dracos mother. Turned down Quin on marriage. Ended up getting pregnant at the end of June. Got a new house in September. Trying to sell the old one. Oct. found out im having a boy that's due in March.

Alone 8/20/2014

When I'm alone. My mind wonders.  I no longer see reality.  I'll I can see is my worse fears coming to life. I feel the pain of it all. It's harder to come back then it should. I keep having to tell myself. That it's not real. To stop thinking that. To keep me away. I distract myself. TV shows, games, internet. But when it goes away and I'm not asleep. My mind just wonders. I can control it most of the time when I'm driving. Just not when I'm alone somewhere.

My baby boy

Ultrasounds of my little boy.

My plans if worse comes to worse

I know this is myself overreacting but I think I figured out at least the basics if anything would happen to my guy.
1. I would find a way to get my car from another town. (Kinda need transportation seeing as if anything happens to quin the truck would probably be taken back)
2. I would need to get a job. Hey I don't want to move again and need income.
3. As much as I would hate it I would have to find a sitter for after the baby born. So I can continue to work.
4. Try to keep living. Knowing I have a little one to watch out for might help a bit.
5. Be the best mom I can for what I have.

I'm getting depressed

I'm getting depressed.  I don't know if it's just cuz I keep dreaming about draco. Or its starting to hit me about having a kid. Not being able to have my body as my own. I really don't know. I just know I'm getting depressed.  I love my guy. But I miss draco. Draco was really my world. I haven't seen him in 3 months and I got told 2 months ago I wasn't his mom. I don't know how well I can keep this up. My emotions can't keep on track. I feel like I'm kinda losing myself.

My son

I think about you everyday. Then show a smile to keep me on my feet. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have a choice. Hope you know that I will always love you. Hope you grow up and be someone worthy of respect. To learn how to let go is to admit that it hurts. One day you'll just be a memory that I can grow from. Until then I keep you close to my heart.

Somebody needs to tell people

I wish someone told me a while back that some people would give absolutely no emotions when telling them your pregnant.  I would be happy if they yelled at me or told me why they didn't like it. Now it's just bothering me. And i hate it. It puts more stress on me when getting no reaction.

Well I was right

I definitely am pregnant.  I'm told to keep relaxed until my appointment. Hahaha. Guess wish me luck on that. That's over a year away. Oh well. Until my appointment they are guessing I'm about 5 weeks. And my due date is march 18. My guy is so excited.  I guess it's a good thing.

My guy

I never knew there was someone like you. Someone I have dreamed of and beyond.  Falling for you was easy. I can't wait to see what life will take us. Cuz you shown me so much. And showed me what a real relationship is like. I love you.

Scared

I'm more scared about being pregnant because of how I have miscarried in the past. I don't want to go through that again. But I'm pretty sure I am. Guess I'll find out.

Couple nights ago

I lay awake some nights wanting us to get closer. Wanting to be to say what I been feeling what's been on my mind. But trying to find the words to something I don't understand myself isn't easy. I just been beating at the wall between us. I want so badly for you to understand.  For there to be a way I can tell you. I seem to hurt you because I cannot tell. Even if I so desperately want to. It makes me upset and frustrated because I never wanted to hurt you. Which makes me even more confused on everything. But seems no matter what in the end. Your the one that's here for me. Getting me to relax and not worry about whatever going on. In the end you broke the wall I never could. Your the one that saves me.

Vulnerable, selfless, and playful.

Lol. I think it's funny how girls act like kids sometimes and the guy takes care of her. Then there are times where the guy acts like a kid and the girl takes care of the guy. You see them at their most vulnerable and also their most selfless part of life. You also see them at their most playful. Without seeing that in someone and wanting to help them or share that with them. Do we know them or trust them? Without it would we even stay in love? People can have relationships without meeting all of it. But you never see the full them. Trust the full them. Sure you may accept everything they are willing to show. Even anger is part of being vulnerable. It's our body's way to fight how we're really feeling. But we need those 3 things. At least I believe so.

Letting go

It's sad having to let go of people for many different reasons.  Most of the time you have no control over the situation.  All we can really hold on to is the memories we shared with them. The memories can either haunt you or be a blessing. It's up to you to choose. For those that has been on my mind lately. I wish I could bring you into my present life. So I can share it with you and give you another hug. Guess life had other plans for us. (Thank you for reading my thoughts)

Before you buy a house

I don't think anyone really follows this but please please before you buy a house have someone inspect it. I don't care if your so proud of it that you want it to be a secret.  Inspect it. You never know how bad your house is.

STAR WARS DAY

Happy star wars day!!! Yes I'm a nerd/ geek

What I told my ex husband

Glad you can go though every day knowing you took another mom away from Draco. I'm sorry that I didn't hold out going through everything I did to try to make it work between us.  I'm sorry I trusted you enough to believe that you and I would always be around. That the 3 of us will always be family. Even though we're not together I still believed the three of us will always be family. I'm sorry you think I was a waist of time and that I never should have been around draco. For as much as he is scared of me. For as much as you want me to have nothing to do with the both of you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so worthless that I believed you would never take him away from me. I'm sorry I'm not someone you want around your son. I'm sorry I ever thought you were the man I saw. The one who never had to go to his family about every little damn thing.  Thank you for letting me see him one last time. Even though he was scared of me. And I wish I never saw him act that away towards me. I hope he shows you why I would put up with so much. Why he the only damn thing that was holding me here. Why to me he is my personal angel and will always be my son. My only child. I'm sorry everyone was right about you. And that I should have put in that I wanted some rights in the divorce papers. I'm sorry that the person who wanted nothing to do with him still has rights to him. I'm sorry that I still regret saying no all the times you wanted to give me full rights to him. Honestly I hope your memories of me goes away over time.  That the one person I want in my life would have something in his heart that would remember how much he loves me. I'm sorry. But you never have to deal with me again.
I also wanted to add. I wish you would had killed me. At least then I would be able to go on. Or even killed myself.

Easter

I know I'm old enough that easter is just another day with more closed stores. But that's not what get to me. It's how I went to see my son this morning. And he was scared of me. Like he been told things about me. Like of lies why I'm not around anymore.  He never been like that. It was heart breaking. But seeing my guy again made it better. Still hard but better. I truly love him.

Missing from me

Feeling so far away, wanting to be close enough to feel your skin, every second passing bye, seems like we're going further away,  my skin feels cold, my heart seems to ache, the rest of me feels lost, all because your missing from me

Life and death of pets 3/9

There's something about being able to be the last person to see a pet alive. I dont know why but I take death a little more calmly then most. Maybe its just this one I wasnt as close to. Or its the fact that you just knew. But there also comes a peace knowing they arnt suffering anymore.... watching how the other pets are handling it. Its like they knew. They avoided the room and everything before the death. Giving the pet space and peace. I'm going to miss her. Rip spider

Answers or advice I have given

Finding someone is hard work and staying with them is harder. It's worth it when you have someone but everything else makes it seem like what's the point. You need lots of trust, communication, love, understanding, and patience. For most people its asking too much. Because of not yet learned the responsibility's and the reward that comes with it. Late 20's is when usually they are mature enough to see it. On the side note. I agree on probably looking for somewhere else to live.

Emotions changing

Why can I be such as peace one day and the next I can't stop crying my eyes out... ugg... maybe its the fact I had the chance to have custody of my son and I turned it down. Maybe its cuz I dont know when the next time I see him is going to be. I just dont know. It could also be I keep hurting the one person I care about most. Whatever it is... it needs to stop

Taking a chance

Changing the world around us.
Wanting it one way.
Only seeing the other.
Scared of going back.
Wanting to only go forward.
Taking the chance.
Hoping not to sink.
But to only fly.

My little boy

To my little boy. Im so sorry im not there while you were sick. Im so sorry im not there to tuck you in every night. Im so sorry I cant hug you when you get hurt or just need a hug. Im so sorry that ill I can do is call you. Im so sorry im not there to watch you grow. To be there when you need me. I miss you so much and I love you more then you could probably imagine. You are my son. No matter if its by blood or not. No matter what anyone says. I feel terrible that im not with you and I hope in time you will understand why. If I could I would be with you now. I am sorry for way more then I could ever write down. It kills me not being around you. Hopefully I get to see you soon.

11 days

My day started out as any other day. I get up. I send mj off to work. I get on my phone.  Found a lot of messages and voicemails on my phone. .. little over two days and everyone tries to reach me. Okay well not everyone but still quite a bit. Basically the world went deeper and I didnt know about it. From 6:30 am to little over 4 pm I was talking to people non stop during calls while I was also texting people. Busy busy busy. Well during that time I called it quits with my husband. about 5:30 my standing jewelry box plus whatever on top of it crashed on top of my son. Luckly only thing was a bump on the head. He snuggled with me until he passed out. Then 6:30 7 came around my husband came in grabbed a bottle of jack Daniels and started putting on some shoes... I dont want to get into details but he tried to have me stab him. He tried stabing himself. He almost called 911 on himself. He ended up yelling at his son. At his parents.  Even at my dad before he threw up then passed out drunk in his own vomit. Well during the time he was drinking my son fell off the counter. He had enough and insisted on going to bed after that.  Getting a lot of support.  Hard to ask but im getting it. Then barb ended up calling and talking to me about how if its over then I need to have either her or her daughter pick up my son... I knew she didnt like me or anything and I knew it was coming. .. still hurts... one day gone another is coming.  And one specific person is less then an hour away... ill be okay...

Strength

Why does everyone belive im so strong emotionally.  I really not. They may see it. But I dont. I know I been though a lot and im still going though a lot. But im not that strong. This is killing me emotionally.  I give in way to easy.  So what can I do? I let my emotions over run me. I need to be stronger for myself. And for the people I care about. Right now all I want to do is go hide in a hole. Away from all the emotional turmoil. I'm stuck always hurting the people around me or disappointing the people that care about me. I just dont know how to be strong enough that I wont. My backbone hides a lot. I know it deals with how I grew up. But that backbone and strength needs to find a way to come out when I need it. Hope everything calms down enough emotional wize soon.

So darn scared.

Im so darn scared.  I havent gave in to my husband. So it looks like its finally going through.  So spending time what may be the last time I get to with my son. Havent heard from my husband for 2 hours. So no idea whats going on. Told my love a date. So darn scared im not going to keep it or this is all going to end badly. Im not happy.  Im just scared and emotional.  Scared that im going to hurt more people. Scared im going to give in to my husband or the devil inside me. Scared to get attached again. Scared of everything i have to do. Hoping if I spend tonight alone ill find a way to keep my mind busy. Scared to have any hope. Just so scared.

I been

I been rapped more then once. I been choked.  I been suffocated. I been pinned down. I been hit. I been called or told
[ ] Un caring
[ ] Dont listen
[ ] Complain to much
[ ] Untrustworthy
[ ] Lier
[ ] Cant take care of house
[ ] Dont keep promises
[ ] Stupid
[ ] Fat
[ ] Ugly
[ ] Lazy
[ ] Emotionally unstable
[ ] Abusive mother
[ ] Unfit mother
[ ] Slut
[ ] Hore
[ ] Bitch
[ ] Rude
[ ] Insensitive
[ ] Go to hell
And yet when I decide to leave im being begged to stay.

Thinking

Thinking that I rather lose anyone then you. But I knew that. Dont think it sunk in this much though.  Im never ending crying cuz of it. Dont even want to know what I putting you through. Just that thought kills me more. Im such an idiot.  Why did I break. I got further then ever. And now im in a worse spot where I only see darkness. I should have just called you. It would have brought all my courage back. Instead I took you out of the equation.  And hurt myself more. Why am I this stupid.  Your what I want. Am I just determined not to be happy. I sure think so right now. Think it hurt more just how easy you took it. Why in the world did you take it that easy. All I got was a okay bye... I just dont understand why. That kills me more then anything. Makes it seems like everything gone. Poof.

one person

One person I want to talk to. Is the one person I just let go of. I hate this. He really is my soul mate. And I just broke his heart. Ugg. I did something he would leave me in a heart beat for anyways. But still. He my everything and I cant just let him go. But I already made that choice. I paying for it. And I cant stand it. I want him to know so bad that this is better in the long run. But I cant. I need my babe. Guess this will help with me ending all the pain. But I need him. I really need him. Maybe ill find someway but for now. Im broken.

Last thing I told the love of my life

You really need to find someone else. I promise you im not the one for you. I know this may make it so I lose you completely.  But right now if that what happens then that what happens. Ill always love you and want to be with you. But it something we have to do. This will be the last thing you hear from me. Im sorry......

I cant

I cant ... I cant... I just cant..  needing someone here to watch my son. Cuz I cant. Someone needs to take this knife away. Cuz I cant. Someone needs to show me that I can. Cuz I cant. I cant stop cutting. I cant stop crying. I cant stop hurting.  I cant stop hurting the people I care about. Im not strong enough for this life. I cant even stop lying. I just cant do this anymore. I keep praying for my life to end for almost 4 months... I think thats way to long. I just cant do it anymore I cant. I just cant. I know its the coward way out but still. I cant. I know it will hurt people but I just cant.

Dont want to mess up

So many things I have done. Why cant I know I wont screw up. Im forever afraid of losing everything and eveyone I love. I know I get told it wont. My faith tells me everything will work out. Im still freaking out. Its like every little thing I have done is coming out. Mocking me. Telling me it wont work. Telling me I screwing up. Then it all vanishes. Sometimes for a few min. Others for a few days. I know what I want. I know what I believe. Now to hope I dont ruin it.

Wow

This is something my cousin wrote that I just had to share.  Everyone is living a lie because everyone is searching for something or simply distracted from the truth.. People search for love because they believe they don't have love that has always been there, inside them they search for god because they forgot that he is you, they numb themselves with drugs and alcohol to stop themselves from seeing themselves .. People live in fear, instead of understanding this is a journey it's all just about learning.. People live in hell when they believe lies, lies against themselves by not forgiving themselves and believing they aren't just as they should be.. Or peoples lies that they aren't perfect.. So many people have lost paradise because they stopped being themselves.

Thankfulness 11-1-13 to 12-4-13

[ ] Nov 1. Im thankful for my cat. He been there through everything.
[ ] Nov 2. Im thankful for my son. Being his mom has been one of the best experiences of my life.
[ ] Nov 3. Im thankful for my grandparents. I may not see them as much as I would like to but they are always there for me. And I love them dearly.
[ ] Nov 4. Im thankful for my home. It may need tones of work. But im greatful for having it.
[ ] Nov 5. Im thankful for the people I have met. Not everyone is in your life forever. But everyone even people I just walk by has made some sort of impact on my life. And for that I am greatful.
[ ] Nov 6. Im thankfuk for the opportunity to be able to talk to anyone around the world that I need to.
[ ] Nov 7. Im thankful for being able to express who you are in so many diffrent ways. Without it I be lost.
[ ] Nov 8. Im thankful for what patience I do have. Somedays I wish I had more.
[ ] Nov 9. Im thankful for food.
[ ] Nov 10. Im thankful for snow. For how it changes everything and its never ending beauty.
[ ] Nov 11. Im thankful for change. Even though I get scared of change. I really like change. Otherwise life would be boring
[ ] Nov 12. I'm thankful for transportation
[ ] Nov 13. Thankful for blankets
[ ] Nov 14 I'm thankful for furniture
[ ] Nov 15 I'm thankful for faith
[ ] Nov 16 I'm thankful for books
[ ] Nov 17 I'm thankful for my cousin Ally
[ ] Nov 18 I'm thankful for my family
[ ] Nov 19. Im thankful for electricity
[ ] Nov 20. Im thankful for bills
[ ] Nov 21. Im thankful for chores
[ ] Nov 22 im thankful for my understanding on certain things
[ ] Nov 23 im thankful for humor
[ ] Nov 24. Im thankful for nurses
[ ] Nov 25. Im thankful for medication
[ ] Nov 27. Im thankful for forgiveness
[ ] Nov 28. Im thankful for clothes
[ ] Nov 29. Im thankful for relaxation
[ ] Nov 30. Im thankful for love
[ ] Dec 1. Im thankful for time
[ ] Dec 2. Im thankful for prayer
[ ] Dec 3. Im thankful for religion
[ ] Dec 4. Im thankful for health

Knowing 11-24-13

Knowing that two people who are not around eachother can dream of the same thing... its an amazing thing. Expecially when you feel like your compelety alone on the idea.

Dout 11-22-13

I dout that thing will ever look up. I dout things will ever change. I dout you feel the same way I do. I dout the way people see me. So I dout the way I see myself. I dout that theres a reason im here. I dout the way people see the world. I dout the way life seems. I dout anyone will notice. I dout my soul will ever open. I dout my heart will ever feel full. I dout my dreams will be real. I dout other people. Most of all I dout myself.

Secret 11-12-13

a secret of mine is that ever since all the fighting started I only been wanting one thing. A very selfish and immature thing. then the one day I didnt want it. I started to go back. Then it was gone. and now I want the same thing again. because I dont want to go back.

Dispaire 11-11-13

Feeling like someone punched you in the gut. Feeling like you want to just cry. Wanting to be alone. Feeling all cold. Yet knowing it was to good to be true. Not being able to stop shivering. Wanting to be in a hole. I understand so much now. I want someone to kill me. To bad it wont happen. Needing to be strong.  But not able to find it.  Not able to say why I feel the way I do to anyone. Wishing I found out when it wasnt my time of month. But glad I know. Will it always hurt? Will it ever go away? Only time will tell. Trying to be strong. Nothing is working.

Expression 11-5-13

Whenever I thought about expression. I thought about the people who get stuck wearing uniforms and dont really have a way to express themselfs. I always took expression for granted. I expressed myself though my clothes and online. When that was taken away. I went through a lot of emotions.  I started to write. I also started to cut my hair. Then when I felt the need to express myself I cut more of my hair and ended up writing. I dont know if I need expression more because of what ill I went though. Maybe ill find out before im bald. I just know I need it some how.

I'll always 11-5-13

Ill always long for you. Ill always love you. Ill always have a hole on were you should be. Ill always miss you. Ill always have a tear to shead for you. Ill always hate our time apart. Ill always cherish the time we had together. Ill always miss you.

Hole 11-5-13

What is this hole in my heart. This feeling of dread and sorrow. Was I wrong on my decision. Did I not pick what my soul wanted. It hurts so bad. But it needed to be done. I cant live both lifes. I needed to choose.  Just didnt think how big of an impact it would have on my soul. Would I finally live with regret. Or dread on what I did. Will I ever feel whole. Or just an empty space. Only time will tell.

Sorry 11-5-13

Im sorry for all the hurt. Im sorry for all the pain. Im sorry im not the one that can take it all away. Im sorry for everything that I have ever done to hurt you. Im sorry for it all. Im sorry things are the way is it. Im so sorry.

Goodbye 11-5-13

Can I tell you goodbye. After all we been through. After all our hopes and dreams. Am I able to say goodbye. The feelings I get when I think about it tells me no. Do I have to. Yes. Do I want to. No. But its to late now. I have to let you go. I have to hurt us both and hope we can be happy again in time. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard if I didn't fall so much. Ill always want you. Ill always love you. But I have to say goodbye. Because of how much I love you. I have to say goodbye.

Regret 11-5-13

As much as I might hate it. Or want to take it back. I will never regret my decisions. My decisions make who I am. I learn so much from my decisions. That I will never reget it.

Never ending 11-4-13

Never wanting to hurt you. But its all im managing to do. Trying to find a way to stop. But always going backwards.  Hurting myself in the process. Only way to make it stop would only hurt you worse. How long can this keep going. This never ending process. Maybe being alone is all I have.

Cage 10-31-13

Relizing your in a cage. Trying to pick the lock. Always getting stuck. Finding a back door. Tasting the freedom. Wanting it more then anything in the world. Keep going further and further away from the cage. Finally getting caught. Being placed in a smaller cage. Always fighting the cage. Trying to even stick a leg out. Not able to to say the words to be out of the cage forever. Always in the cage. Looking at the key. And just giving up hope.

Happiness 10-30-13

Happiness doesnt come easy. It doesn't always stay. Its a part of healthy living. Yet its taken for granted. Without it comes trouble. Sorrow. And even death. Finding your happiness is key in life. People dont always pick happiness. They pick something familiar. No matter the consequences. They regret it in the end.

Understanding 10 -22- 13

What ended up happening wasnt easy. I am so pissed off at myself for the way I started acting last night. Honestly I still feel that away. I knew what I wanted. In the end I dont know how I got to where I am now or maybe it just hasnt sunk in. It went from me being stong enough mentally.  To me letting go. In one night I went from pushing what I needed. To basically having no ring no relationship nothing. To me not being able to say bye again. I guess ill always be stuck in the cage because I cant let go completely.  Each time except for the last I was finally content on being done. And now im stuck with the decision ive made. And my emotions that go with it. Maybe it more then that. But as I said im stuck. Part of me is happy. The rest is eatting me from the inside out.

Fear 10-20-2013

Fear on what I have. Fear on what would lose. Rather destroy myself then another. Learning to have faith. Then fear takes me back again. Wanting to escape the pain I give others. Not able to find a way out. Finally seeing a light. Getting hopes and dreams back. For getting where I stand. Fear takes me back again. Every tear I cry is not for me. But the other who I make suffer. Trying to make it right. But always finding fear.

Ugg

So last month my husband found out that I was texting another guy. We been fighting ever since. I got told not to be online.. yah im so following that well. So I ended up cutting my hair everytime I got depressed. And the last few weeks I havent gone a week without being in a doctors office to figure out whats wrong with me. So much stress...